The commitment.

another old writing. just to refresh my memories..
about the commitment i made to my children..

The Commitment.

The biggest commitment that I’ve ever made was the commitment I made with my children.
Semenjak gue kecil, gue sudah berjanji akan berkomitmen sama anak2 gue nantinya, komitmen penuh sama mereka, 100 %, just like my mom did to me.

Sayangnya kadang gue seperti tidak sepenuh hati menjalaninya. Ada aja yang gue sesali.kadang gue ngerasa masih belum achieve beberapa hal yang gue impikan, kadang ngerasa belum aktualisasi diri, kadang ngerasa kesepian karena lingkungan sosial yang terbatas. Tapi ini kan pilihan yang sudah gue ambil. Sayangnya dulu gue ambil pilihan ini ‘hanya’ karena gue ingin seperti nyokap gue. I just wanna be like her, she was always there for me. And I wanted to be like that with my own kids. And fortunately, I inherited her passion in business. So I made my decision, I had my own business. (selain karena I always wanted to be my own boss! It’s so an only child thing!) dengan begitu I could have it all. Komit sama anak2, waktu yang fleksibel, aktualisasi diri, buka lahan pekerjaan (though it sounds fake, but this was my childhood dream) dan ikut nyari uang.

But that wasn’t enough. Gue masih ngerasa berat ngejalaninnya.
Cuma prinsip gue, kalau udah komit ya musti dijalanin.
I always wonder why my mom did it. How she could make it.
Setelah dhyas lahir, gue kok jadi kaya dapat pencerahan.
I understand now, why she did what I’m doing now.
Punya anak di luar negeri, bikin gue lebih menghayati peran orang tua. Padahal dulu pas kaka lahir, gue juga ngga pernah pakai jasa babysitter. Hanya jasa pembantu dan grandparents. J
I enjoy watching him and his brother grow. And it’s amazing.
Gue pikir sangat menakjubkan bisa ngeliat baby yang needs nya ‘Cuma’ lapar, sakit, tidak nyaman, berubah pelan2. it’s not just the physical changes. It’s just amazing how they could develop their needs, and suddenly they even have their own personality! Pada saat itu rasanya gue baru sadar kalau gue punya seorang ‘manusia kecil’.. phew!..subhanallah banget ya.. such a responsibility. Such joy.

Pada saat itu gue sadar kenapa nyokap mengambil pilihan bisnis di rumah.
And give up her career.
Itu semua karena melihat gue tumbuh besar dan dewasa adalah sebuah pengalaman yang terlalu berharga untuk dilewatkan. Gue sadar karena sekarang gue merasakan hal yang sama.
Kalau sudah menyangkut perkembangan kaka n dhyas, rasanya waktu berjalan cepat banget buat gue. Belum puas ngeliat perkembangan barunya, the next thing you know, he’d already develop something else! Those moments are amazing.
And when you’re enjoying yourself, time flies, right?

That’s why, I love to enjoy every minute and every second of my precious time with them. It seems like I will never have enough of it.
Insya Allah, kalau diizinkan Allah SWT, gue bisa aktualisasi diri kapan aja. Mau umur 30 atau 60 tahun, semua masih mungkin. Mau sekolah lagi, insya Allah kalau ada rezeki dan kesempatan, juga masih bisa gue lakukan nanti. Cari uang, insya Allah juga bisa dilakukan dengan berbagai cara. Gue akan selalu cari jalan untuk bisa cari uang dengan fleksibilitas tinggi.
It’s a win win solution.
(well you could always sell something on ebay)

But those amazingly precious moments, I couldn’t bare to miss them.
Couldn’t bare to watch them pass me by.
Those magic moments.
Those ‘once in a lifetime’ experiences.
Nothing can stop me from watching my children grow.

Melbourne.
11.12.06